tonite is the 19th of August, a month and a week since the nite me and Chance have hooked up... things have been goin well... but tonite i'm madd at him... he doesn't kno that tho.... itz too early for this shit.... i'm trying not to be madd but i am.... and I refuse to call him or check mah myspace messages.... I mean he has been doin a good job of makin me happy but itz all been on his terms... and i don't like that shit... he wants me to do things for him (not spend money or nothin) but do shit, but when i need him available for me.... blah..blah..blah.. I'm just pissed... maybe i'm over reacting... Ok, here's the situation: We talked on hmm.. I want to say wednesday; he wanted me to come through because Lil' gutta (his homeboy) and him needed to take pictures for their album covers... So i was like no problem, I don't mind doin that.... what day i say.. he said Sunday... i said No.. Buses don't run on sunday... How bought saturday... HE SAID Saturday was cool.. Itz set... so i thought... then friday comes i call, i'm like "what time u want me to come tomorrow," he's like "baby tomorrow is Saturday"... UMMM DUH!!! he was like " I thought u said u was comin on Sunday" HOW NICCA?? buses DON'T RUN ON SUNDAY!!! that shit pissed me off... i was like "are u gonna come pic me up then??" ... silence..." No, I didn't think so" he asked me could mah dad drop me off like last time... i don't like askin mah dad for rides mainly because he ain't gon do it... he gon' tell me i'm lyin... I AIN'T LYIN...WHY LIE? if mah dad could drop me off, there would be no problem.. i'd be there... he want shit when he want it and not earlier or later... i guess people are like that... but i'm flexible.. ya kno... I'm willin to bend a little but I ain't finna bust cartwheels and backflips for him... He gon be lookin for me though over the week... that shit pissed me off and I ain't gon be here next weekend so he gon have to wait... because mah life don't stop for him just like his don't stop for me... I be kickin it wit the homies or whatnot don't get it twisted... but we are suppose to have our us time and we managed to get it to once a week and if we missed that then its like ?????? uh ???? ya kno? ......... I DUNNO... maybe i'm trippin again.... I jus miss mah baby and I'm frustrated... he said he missed me too... but obviously not as much... or not at all... ooooooooooh let me go.... because this ventin' ain't workin....

ok so its Friday, and i'm sittin at home bored as I DON"T KNOW WHAT!! Update: I have a new boyfriend (oh no not this shit again hunh?) yeah, yeah, yeah anyway; his name is Chance, and I like him, he's cool, and nice to me and I see him often and talk to him daily which is a big step up from my relationship (if its safe to call it that) with Anthony. He into music (he raps) and so am I ( I sing) whatever hunh? I'm wierd its like i go for any boy thats nice to me... i shouldn't do that. but this cat has liked me since my 11th grade year at Granite so its not that bad i guess... whatever I'll see where this goes...

hey, it's me i guess i'll tell you about my day. well today i went over Chance's house (Chance is this new guy i met) anyway i went over his house today it was cool and what not we watched movies and such. I enjoyed being his company. But i was talking to my friend today and i felt she was being negative but chances are, she was right. She said that everytime i get a little bit of attention i get all lap happy... she's right, i do, i can't help it, i want to believe that every guy that tries to talk to me is being genuine. I can't keep doing this to myself, because i am hurting meyself, you know. So far Chance is a nice guy, but so was Anthony, he was soooooo sweet and he turned out to be such an asssssssssssshole. WHY ME?!?!?!?!?!?! i put my feelings into everything i do so quickly and i end up being dropped where i stand. well i can't do that, i have to carefully watch every step i take with this guy, carefully think and plan everything i say, because i don't want to be mean to a guy because it pushes him away but i don't have to be all extra nice either because he'll do is walk over me. I just need to stay me with a little twist. instead of me stressin over niggas, let them stress over me... and don't give them SHIT no matter how much i'm tempted.... i need to learn how to play the game and there is no better way to learn than "hands on experience." Ya feel me? I knew you would....gone.

i know it's been a while since my last entry but, i guess i have been to ashamed to admit my true feelings about what's been going on lately, even to myself. yeah pretty much me and anthony aren't together anymore... but that's not the worse part... that little boy lied to me and played me like nintendo. first with his age swearing til the cows come home that he was turning 18 but he was really turning 17. OMG right? no... this next one is OMG... then this little boy took his little ass around the hood...the flatz... and told everyone he didn't go with me...he didn't ask me out... i'm blowin up his chirp and his friends phone... yada yada bullshit...AND he called me a bitch... EVIL...right??? i couldn't believe my ears.... 1st of all how i'mma blow up somethin that ain't on, and 2nd i told him from jump i wasn't gonna be callin his friend like that because i didn't really feel comfortable using him as an answerin machine.... i was hurt.... but i was more pissed.... he used me and he didn't have to. all that shit he did wasn't even fuckin neccessary.... i mean what the hell did he get out of it?? A BIRTHDAY GIFT????? um....NEWS FLASH, SMARTASS.... all my friends get gifts from me that wasn't something i did especially just for you... i already thought he was a cool cat and it was cool when we were just friends and he would of gotten a gift regardless. but this muthafucka call himself bein smart and askin me out...lol... it's kinda funny now that i think about it because he basically called himself pimpin me... but how? he didn't get nothin else. he cut his rope too early... i mean, if i was gon' pimp a bitch, i wouldn't of told someone who knows her THAT early in my game, shit.. thatz slippin on my pimpin... i would of got a lot of shit out that bitch, some kickz, some clothes, .... shit a phone... bein real.... i woulda worked that shit and said nada to no one until I got bored... but its all good tho...becuz karma iz a bitch... do you kno there was a bank error in my favor and i got $105 for no reason shortly after i found out what he did? thatz more than i paid for his gift thatz for dayum sure. so i ain't even mad at him no more... he ruined my rep with a bunch of people who mean nothing to me simply because i don't kno them... and they don't kno me....AND they're all younger than me so... i'm not tryna be rude because they might be some really nice kids but....WHO GIVES A FUCK!!!!! i'm glad i got that off my chest, i feel good now... prepared for another day.... regardless of anyone's bullshit i'mma stay the nice person that i am, i shouldn't trust as much, but it's all good... people who try to use me will get their's, trust... GOD IS GOOD!

Well my boyfriends birthday is on Monday, I got him a Polo Blue Gift set; it smells really nice. He's gonna smell extra sexy, I hope he don't be tryin to pull new females with that scent.... I'd beat his ass.... I will admit though things are a little weird with us because we don't see eachother. I see his frinds more then I see him, to be really really honest... I havn't seen him face to face since we actually hooked up... I saw him from afar today... this is not good.... infact it's bad... because if I were someone else, telling me this same story I would laugh at that person for being so silly. What we have here is a failure to communicate. We talk, but like... its not long like it was before he asked me out.... I knew it was too good to be true.... A guy that cute wanting to be my boyfriend.... but it's not like us going with eachother is a secret, all his homies know, but then again he told them and they are HIS homies so chances are they wouldn't tell me if his intent wasn't genuine. I feel silly, and I shouldn't feel this way. BUT maybe its me because I'm afraid to trust since my last relationship. Maybe its nothing... maybe its something... maybe its everything...maybe I'm still not ready.... I let my ex go indefinately... but my mind isn't ready to trust again. I really like this guy with my heart... but my mind won't let me forget what I went through before... I can't let another guy hurt me again...I mean not this soon again... and I'm not saying that this guy will hurt me, it's just that I'm not 100% sure that he won't either. I guess I'mma have to talk to him.... I'm confused obviously.

Well its been 2 weeks since me and my boyfriend hooked up and I guess things are going OK. That sounds a little depressing but it's really not, I just wish our schedules didn't conflict so much. Between me working and night classes and him in school during the day while I'm working and then him going to the studio down the hill to record... we barely have time to hear eachother...you know breathe... I'm usually free over the weekends but ever since I've gotten with him someone always has something for me to do and to be honest, it's kinda pissin' me off. I want to stay on top of my academic game, but how can I do that when all I can think about is my new beau (it's possible, lets not be stupid) but I hope you get what I'm saying. If I don't talk to him often then I'm thinking about him, wondering if he's thinking about me....Like I'm doing right now. He is soooo fucking adorable, you just don't fuckin get it. And he is charming, cool, and funny....and a little wierd because if I was as cute as he is I wouldn't want to go out with a simple girl like me....I'd want a model chick.... But I guess that means he's not shallow, you know? Plus, he doesn't ask me for anything like money or sex...just my time. I really appreciate him for that. And yes, we've been together 2 weeks but we have been talking for like 2 months....and he still didn't try to run game....he's a keeper... we are just gonna have to work something out with our availibility because if we don't see eachother or talk often, it ain't real. It's like a friendship... and I want it to be more then that, I really like this guy, I don't want to lose him this early in the game I just got him.

I'MMA KEEP THIS SHORT SWEET AND TO THE POINT: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!! HE IS AS ADORABLE AS A I DON'T KNOW WHAT AND HE'S MINE, MINE, MINE!!!! YEAH BYTCHES HE'S MINE!!! FINALLY THERE IS A GUY THAT'S CUTE, WITH STREET CRED, AND WANTS ME...ONLY ME....WIERD HUNH?? I WAS SUSPICIOUS TOO...BUT I REALLY CARE FOR HIM AND HE IS SO SWEET TO ME, HE MAKES ME LAUGH....WE MAKE EACHOTHER LAUGH....I AM SO HAPPY NOW....I AM FINALLY FOCUSED....I GUESS HE WAS REALLY WHAT I WAS SEARCHING FOR...WHILE I WAS BUSY TRYING TO GET SOMEONE ELSE, THE ONE FOR ME WAS RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE....I CAN SEE STRAIGHT AGAIN AND I'M GLAD... A GUY WHO SUPPORTS ME AND LIKES ME FOR WHO I AM ON THE INSIDE....HE'S A KEEPER.....LUV IT! LUV IT!!!!